Tax on human gas emissions gains support in Congress

A tax on human gas emissions has gained the support of at least one member of Congress, but critics are blasting the proposal and say that its proponents are just full of hot air.

Proponents of the “flatutax,” as it has been dubbed by critics, say that human emissions are often overlooked when discussing global warming issues. Human beings contribute greenhouse gases to the atmosphere during the digestive process, they say, and a tax would provide an incentive to curb those emissions.

“It (the tax) would help people be more responsible when it comes to their diet,” said Wendy Peterson of Walls Without Borders, a nonprofit environmental group operated by the US government. “Much of the total yearly output of human gas emissions is caused by fast food restaurants such as Taco Bell. A human emissions tax would encourage individuals to avoid such restaurants.”

But critics say such a tax would be hard to levy.

“How are you going to measure the emissions?” asked Mark Wahlberg of the Scientific Institute for Unscientific Studies, a private think tank operated by the US government. “I don’t think many people would be happy walking around with metering devices installed up their backsides.”

Congressman Peter Caligula, a supporter of the new tax, says the new tax is a matter of basic fairness.

“It wouldn’t be right to implement a global carbon tax on industry while doing nothing about emissions coming from individual human beings,” Caligula said.

An alternative proposal being bandied about is known as “Cork and Trade.” Instead of taxing individuals based on the level of their emissions output, individuals would pay a fee which would allow them a certain amount of emissions output; should an individual need to emit after using up his or her emissions quota, he or she would be able to buy a portion of someone else’s quota and then proceed to emit.

Former Vice President Al Gore, lecturing at a global warming conference, said that he supports both proposals. Speaking from a mechanical lift near the top of a giant CO2 chart, Mr. Gore said he is preparing to raise public awareness on this issue.

“I’ve already started work on a three-story tall global flatulence chart,” he said.