Al Gore whales on global warming skeptics

What began as an effort to rescue a beached whale ended with the death of a prostitute and a visit to the whale carcass by former Vice-President Al Gore.

The 40-ton male sperm whale appeared on Rocca Luca beach in northern California during the weekend. The plight of the struggling whale inspired observers to attempt a rescue by trying to move the whale back into the water.

One of the rescuers was an unidentified local prostitute. As rescuers surrounded the whale and tried to pull it back into the ocean, the prostitute was pushing on the sperm whale’s head. Without warning its mouth suddenly opened, and in an ironic twist the prostitute was swallowed by the sperm whale. Horrified rescuers, fearing that the whale might choke on the woman, tried to reach in and pull her out but to no avail. The whale later expired.

Lawrence Pendleton, an author and whale researcher, believes that the prostitute was inexperienced at handling a whale’s head.

“A whale’s head is different than a man’s head,” Pendleton explained. “I believe the prostitute maneuvered her hands a little too far down the whale’s head, toward its base. This tickled the whale and caused it to experience a sudden spasm, which resulted in the whale’s mouth opening and the woman falling into it.”

Two hours later, sadness permeated the crowd of would-be rescuers as they realized that the whale was dead.

“I can’t help but think that the prostitute played a role in the whale’s death, and that somehow their individual destinies were entwined,” said Jonah Spear, a local resident who lives near the beach. “Maybe it was fate that drew her to the whale. Or maybe she caused the whale to come.”

News of the whale’s beaching soon reached former Vice-President Al Gore, who was several miles up the coast from Rocca Luca filming a sequel to his Oscar-winning documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.” The sequel — tentatively dubbed “An Inconvenient 2th” — will reportedly focus on the impact that rising sea levels will have on mountain gorillas. Gore interrupted the filming of his new documentary and arranged to visit the whale. He took his film crew with him, along with the mechanical lift that featured so prominently in his previous documentary.

The rescuers stood solemnly by as Gore arrived and used the lift to ascend to the top of the whale. Standing on the cetacean’s summit, Gore immediately attributed the whale’s beaching and death to man-made global warming, and gave an impassioned speech his critics are now calling “The Sermon on the Whale.” His film crew documented the event as hundreds of hungry seagulls circled the whale carcass.

“How many more people must die in the mouths of beached whales before global warming is taken seriously?” Gore pleaded. “Let us never forget the sadness we all feel now; let us never forget the whaling and gnashing of teeth.”

The Nobel Peace Prize winner then criticized those who think that global warming is natural and therefore beyond the control of mankind. He was especially critical of politicians who recommend that people listen to both sides of the global warming debate before arriving at a conclusion.

“When irresponsible politicians spread doubt that gas emissions by mankind cause global warming,” Gore warned, “they become directly responsible for the consequences of their actions. They have, in effect, killed this whale.”

Mr. Gore then concluded his speech to thunderous applause, but as he walked across the top of the whale’s body to reach his waiting mechanical lift, he slipped on some seagull feces and his right foot got stuck in the whale’s blowhole; his right leg quickly sank into it up to his right kneecap. After a brief struggle, a popping sound was heard and the inventor of the Internet was free. Gore then descended to the ground in his lift.

Some beachgoers were less than impressed. As Mr. Gore was giving his speech on the whale, one man a little further down the beach explained his lack of interest in the whole affair.

“No, I don’t want to listen to a global warming speech near a rotting whale,” the man said. “I’m not really into blood and Gore.”