Iraq War Analysis
The conclusions of a five year study of the Iraq War have been released to the public.
May 18, 2008
May 17, 2008
Man refuses to eat after visiting farm
A New York City man has not eaten for a week after visiting a farm in upstate New York, and says he won’t ever eat again.
William Harvey, who visited the farm as part of a program to promote a better appreciation of the contributions that farmers make to society, said he nearly vomited after visiting Joe Earley’s farm.
“Mr. Earley was processing the soil on his land, apparently,” said Harvey. “He was explaining to a group of us ‘city slickers’ how corn is grown. While he was doing that, a farm assistant was driving some mechanical device that was dropping animal shit on the ground. I was mortified.”
According to Earley, Harvey never knew that animal manure can be used to help grow crops.
“I told him we could go tour the cow barn instead, but he wouldn’t listen to me and just kept throwing up,” Earley recalled.
Harvey said that from now on he will only eat water.
“After a while, I believe my body will learn to break down the water into hydrogen and oxygen and use those things for energy,” he said. “That would be a lot better than eating corn with f—-ing shit inside of it.”
Bonus Audio Feature! King Louis XIV’s Party Trick
May 16, 2008
Iranians to move forward on nuclear weapon
Iran is building a state-of-the-art mobile nuclear weapon, according to a spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.
President Bush is currently on an ass-kissing tour in Israel this week, and he quickly agreed with the Israeli government after being instructed to do so.
“We are on the same page. We both see the threat … And we both understand that tangible action is required to prevent the Iranians from moving forward on a nuclear weapon,” Olmert spokesman Mark Regev said today.
The Iranian nuclear weapon will have a 6-cylinder engine and oversized tires. It will comfortably seat up to six Iranians and get 15 miles per gallon in the desert and 8 miles per gallon in the city.
Preventing the Iranians from moving forward on a nuclear weapon may be difficult. The mobile weapon will carry a spare tire, so slashing any one tire will not stop them for very long. Israeli Mossad agents are considering putting sugar in the gas tank as a way to stop the Iranians from moving forward with the weapon, intelligence sources say.
Israel: U.S. to bomb Iran this summer
Israel and the United States will bomb Iran this summer, a spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said after a visit by U.S. President George W. Bush.
“We are on the same page. We both see the threat … And we both understand that tangible action is required to prevent the Iranians from moving forward on a nuclear weapon,” Olmert spokesman Mark Regev said today. “And I hope everyone doesn’t think ‘tangible’ is too vague a word. If so, I would like to clarify that ‘tangible’ actually means ‘Bomb the shit out of them.’”
President Bush is in Israel getting his marching orders, according to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino. Bush will be allowed to select the color of bombs to be dropped on Iran because he has been shown to be very responsive to colors.
“They (the Iranians) had better stop enriching uranium for use in nuclear power plants,” Perino said. “It’s not too late for them to appease Israel and stop the U.S. from bombing Iran this summer.”
Iran insists that it will not stop enriching uranium for use with its peaceful nuclear energy program.
In another development today, the United States announced that it will sign an agreement with Saudi Arabia to help it develop a peaceful nuclear energy program. The U.S. has also agreed to help Israel upgrade its aging stockpile of thermonuclear bombs.
Jesus Budda: Man of Mystery
A radio documentary on the life of the choirboy who changed the world, but later turned his back on it.
Jesus Budda: Man of Mystery
Additional information about the secretive life of Jesus Budda may be found here.
May 15, 2008
Rain evolved into snow as defense strategy, scientist claims
An evolutionary scientist said today that rain evolved into snow over millions of years as a way to protect itself from drying up during cold weather.
The scientist, Edward T. Houston, held a press conference today to explain his findings.
“Water is wetter when it is not dry out,” Houston said. “But when it is cold, the humidity is low and the air is very dry. Water will dry out quickly under these conditions. Changing into snow allows the water to hibernate until warmer weather returns.”
The findings also explain why no two snowflakes seem to be the same, an age-old mystery.
“The surprising thing is that snowflake patterns do repeat, but just not near each other,” Houston explained. “The snowflakes need to interlock when they are together, and if two snowflakes are the same they cannot do that. So it’s a group survival strategy.”
Snow is also a good defense against predators, Houston claims, because the combined white color of all the snowflakes provides excellent camouflage.
Bonus Audio Feature! Point or click here for “The Story of Yellow Snow”
May 14, 2008
Chicken and maggots to be fed to Iraqis
A military contractor has devised an ingenious method for feeding the Iraqi people during a time of civil strife and occupation by US armed forces.
Holyburton — a Vatican-owned company that operates in the US but is based in Dubai for tax evasion purposes — came up with the novel feeding mechanism after one of its employees noticed something unusual while driving to work one day.
“I noticed the carcass of a rabbit on the side of the road that morning on my way to work,” said Reggie Anderson, who oversees Holyburton’s no-bid US military contract that provides food to the citizens of occupied Iraq. “And I noticed that it was something like three times the size of a living rabbit. That puzzled me, so I stopped the car and got out to take a closer look.”
Approaching cautiously, Anderson got close and poked the fat rabbit with a pointed stick. Then something surprising happened.
“The rabbit just exploded all over me,” he recounted. “It covered me with what I thought at first was rice. Some of it got into my mouth and it tasted pretty good. That’s why I was surprised to find out the rice was actually maggots.”
Anderson quickly realized the importance of his discovery.
“The entire carcass of the rabbit was still there, but some of it was converted into fly larvae,” Anderson explained. “It was then that I realized that flies had deposited eggs onto the deceased rabbit’s body. That represents a sizeable increase in protein.”
Taking this concept to work with him that day, Anderson convinced Holyburton executives that Iraqis could be more cheaply fed with chickens and maggots than with other types of food.
“The flies provide free food when they lay their eggs on dead meat such as chicken,” he said. “And chickens are abundant in the US. “So we created MRE (Maggots Ready to Eat) packages. Iraqis can open up a can of mashed chicken, pour it onto the ground, wait a couple of days and presto! they have instant chicken and maggots. I got a bonus for the idea because it’s a big cost-saver for Holyburton. Everybody wins.”
Holyburton plans on manufacturing a US version of the product called “Chicken & Maggots” or just “Chaggots” later this year. However, the US version will come with genetically-engineered fly eggs already embedded in the chicken that will grow quickly into maggots in a microwave oven.
Bonus Audio Feature! Point or click here and sing along to the Chicken & Maggots song!
The “Chicken & Maggots” Song
by Sir Satire
(c) 2008
Chicken & Maggots
What a treat!
Have yourself some wriggling meat.
Chicken & Maggots
It’s a gas
It’s the craziest thing that’ll leave your ass.
Chicken & Maggots
The taste is king
It’s a squirmy kind of meaty thing.
Chicken & Maggots
Without a doubt
You’ll love it if you don’t puke it out.
May 13, 2008
White House Press Secretary Britney Spears explains ‘Helter Skelterism’ policy
Newly-chosen White House Press Secretary Britney Spears appeared today for a press briefing on Iran, dressed in ragged clothing and sporting a shaved head with what appeared to be the outline of Iran carved on her forehead.
Shocked reporters listened as Britney started the press briefing.
“Thank you all so much for coming to my briefing on Iran,” she said, smiling strangely. “And I’ve got some, like, wonderful news for you. President Bush and I were, you know, up late last night listening to his collection of Beatles albums when he said, ‘Hey! I know… let’s play one of those albums in reverse order.’ So I picked out the whitest album and we played it backwards. That’s when we, like, heard instructional messages in the music and stuff.”
The stunned press reporters remained silent.
“So, long story short,” Britney cheerfully continued, “the president and I are convinced that the Beatles have given us their blessing to bomb Iran. We’re calling this new policy ‘Helter Skelterism.’”
Some of the reporters began to murmur among themselves as a consensus was growing that this was some kind of White House joke being played on them.
“Anyhoo, when we told the vice president about this, he just loved it,” Britney said with a grin. “He rushed to, you know, come up with a plan and all that. He’s calling it operation ‘Glass Onion’ because when all the sand in Iran has been turned into glass by a nuclear strike, we can just go in and peel back the layers to get at the oil.”
The press reporters started laughing. Britney got upset.
“What?” she said as her eyes started to well up with tears. “Why are you laughing at me?”
An angry President Bush then entered the briefing room and took the podium as Britney stood by his side.
“There has been a lot of charges and a lot of things said about me and brought against others in my administration, of which a lot could be cleared up and clarified,” Bush began. “I was never good at school, so I never growed up to read and write too good, so I have stayed in politics and I have stayed stupid, and I have stayed a child while I have watched your world grow up, and then I look at the things that you do and I don’t understand…”
Mr. Bush then pointed at Britney.
“These children that run over your feet with cars, they are your children,” he continued. “You taught them. I didn’t teach them. I just tried to help them stand up by giving them jobs in my administration, like Miss Spears here. They are like my family, of which I have more in Texas. Most of the people at the Crawford ranch that you call the Bush family were just people that you did not want in office, people that were alongside the political road, that their voters had kicked out, that did not want to settle for a job at Town Hall. So I did the best I could and I got Karl Rove and his people and I told them this: that in cheating to get elected there is no wrong… I told them that anything they do for their brothers and sisters is good if they do it with a good thought.”
The President then spoke about his father.
“My father is the New World Order,” he explained. “My father is your system… I am only what he made me. I am only a reflection of him. I have done my best to get along in this New World and now you say you want to impeach me, and I look at you, and then I say to myself, ‘You want to impeach me?’ Ha! I’m already a dictator, have been all my presidency. I’ve spent seven years in White House rooms that you built.”
Mr. Bush then became more animated, holding on to the microphone attached to the podium and making angry gestures with his other hand to the reporters.
“Sometimes I think about giving it back to you,” he confessed. “Sometimes I think about just jumping at you and letting you impeach me… If I could, I would jerk this microphone off and bop you with it, because that is what you deserve, that is what you deserve… Is it a conspiracy that the music is telling the youth to bomb Iran because Iran is rapidly destroying things? Is that a conspiracy? The music speaks to you every day, but you are too deaf, dumb, and blind to even listen to the music… It is not my conspiracy. It is not my music. I hear what it relates. It says ‘Rise’; it says ‘Kill terrorists.’ Why blame it on me? I didn’t write the music.”
President Bush and Press Secretary Spears then bowed their heads as they extended their arms out to form human crosses. A creeped out White House Press Corps very quietly exited the briefing room.
May 12, 2008
Radio Documentary: “An Inconvenient Wind”
This radio documentary explores the effect of man-made global warming on Africa’s Mount Kilimanjaro:
Global Warming and Mount Kilimanjaro: “An Inconvenient Wind”
Photo Credit: “Yosemite” of Wikipedia
May 11, 2008
New Ahmnodt Heare for president advertisement released
A group concerned with the plight of creatures living in Lake Michigan has endorsed independent presidential hopeful Ahmnodt Heare for president, and has released TV and radio advertisements in support of the Heare campaign.
An MP3 file containing the audio portion of the advertisement is available using the link at the bottom of this post.
